I hate fantasy baseball players.
Given a chance, they will always ruin a social situation, turning a quiet gathering of small pleasant conversations into a 120 decibel quorum on the merits of “owning” Dontrelle Willis in an even numbered year. Get a bunch of them together and they’re a pack of wolves, coming down from the hills to devour the innocuous conversations about recent movies, popular fiction, or why we keep watching John from Cincinnati to explain at great length to everyone present why they personally despise Barry Bonds, but they’re glad he’s on their team. I’d rather discuss the war on terror with my father-in-law and his college buddies.
Yet there I was the other day at a Sox game with my son and a friend of his and her dad, talking about Florida Marlins shortstop Hanley Ramirez and what an awesome year he’s having (.342 batting average, 20 home runs, 87 runs batted in, 35 stolen basis). How did I know about Hanley Ramirez when I can barely name the starting lineup of my hometown team? Because I play fantasy baseball on the DL.
Yeah, I wasn’t going to admit it to the guy, just as I really don’t admit it to anyone else. Five years ago a friend of mine decided to form a fantasy league by inviting a bunch of random folks he knew but didn’t know each other. I figured why the heck not? I inherited an abandoned franchise on which I recognized about 5 players and immediately started receiving trade offers that made no mathematical sense. I later learned this was a common fantasy league tactic, trading once great superstars on the decline for up and comers. I slugged it through 2 seasons before I stumbled onto the odd algorithm of fantasy statistics and started to become a “player.”
Being a “player” doesn’t really fill my life with anything remotely resembling a hobby. More importantly it doesn’t take away from my attempts to do other pressing things, like finishing the latest Ian McEwan novel or finding a job that fits my daddy schedule. If I spend any time at all on fantasy baseball in a given day, its about 5 minutes online just to see how I’m doing in the standings or making sure I don’t have any guys injured on my team. And this 5 minute average includes the times I’ve half watched a baseball games because I recognized the guy pitching as being on my time (Oh hey, Dan Haren! Nice to attach a face with a name!). I'm pretty sure I've spent more time over the past 5 years paying my utility bills than playing fantasy baseball.
Though over those past five years I’ve developed an idiosyncratic method for picking my pitchers, a draft day strategy, a decided aversion to any player over 30, and a strange ability to engage guys my age in conversation. When I find myself sinking into the tedium of a condo real estate market or magnate school admission policy conversation, I’ll suddenly chirp, “Hey, do you think Reyes’ll steal 90 bases this year?” or “Can anyone win 20 games anymore?” and about 69% of the time, that being twice Suzuki Ichiro’s batting average, it’ll lead to a conversation that’s actually filled with excitement and introspection.
The self-consciousness that guys get, that settles over them like the paunch they got once they're married with kids and a mortgage and can’t remember the last movie they saw in the theatre that wasn’t animated, vanishes away. Sometimes the excitement of the baseball conversation will get too much and they'll ask if I play fantasy baseball. I always lie and say no, but immediately ask how it works. Then its off to the races. An 8 year old explaining Pokemon evolutions has nothing on a 38 year old insurance industry applications programmer talking about the keeper rules in his league.
Yeah, a few years ago I would’ve said it sucks and wanted no part of it, but these are the choices now. If I want to be able to have any real discussion with another guy that doesn’t involve things half remembered from our 20s, if I want to see real introspection and emotion in another guy with whom I didn’t down Miller Genuine Drafts while listening to Guns N Roses, I know I gotta do one of two things: join AA or a fantasy league.
Right now, I’m sticking with the latter.
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